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suicidal.
cant go on.
had enough of life.

  Hi lovelies, yet again.
tomorrow (1st october) i will start to get my act together and loose the weight after all, i am sick of putting up with life day in, day out wondering when all this weight will shift and i will reach perfection.
But not any more, from tomorrow ime going to be patient, with heavy restricting and committment when fasting, ime going to be 84 ibs soon, and i know it, i need all your help.
I will be free, happy, thin and perfect.
Join me?!

we can do it,
not slip up,
dont eat when we dont have to,
avoid food when possible, 
throw food away when we can,
workout when theres time,
forget food,
i dont need it,
only eat to survive,
slip by our parents, family and friends.
cos we want to be thin and perfect.

i want to be thin
and 
no-one will stop me
remind me everyday to starve,
because its the one thing that i want
to
be
perfect!
october 1st 2007,
take it day by day from here until i reach my goal weight
84ibs.

 okay, break through today.
woooo!
got about 4 weeks till we break up from school for the half term, and so i have set myself a target of loosing 16ibs in a month.
gna have 250 cals on weekdays
and 275 on weekends.
but ime going to do it healthily with lots + lots of exercise.
hopefully this will help me concentrate more than when i fast and not make it any more notiecable to outsiders.

do you think i will be able to loose this amount of weight in 4 weeks with the following diet?!

mondays: Breakfast- 1x weetabix with skimmed milk (75 cals)
                   lunch-mixed salad (30 cals) and piece of fruit (45 cals)
                   dinner- fresh fish and vegetables (100 cals)
                                                                                                   250 cals.

Tuesdays: Breakfast- medium sized apple (45 cals)
                    Lunch-handful of grapes (30 cals) 1/2 fitnesse bar (44 cals)
                    Dinner- 1oz of pasta, fresh tomato sauce + brocoli/green beans (130 cals)
                                                                                                  249 cals.

Wednesdays: Breakfast- 1x weetabix with skimmed milk (75 cals)
                          Lunch- mixed salad + handful of grapes (50 cals)
                          Dinner- slice of chicken, veg (122 cals)
                                                                                                 247 cals.

Thursdays: Breakfast- small apple (40 cals)
                     Lunch- handful of grapes + 1/2 fitnesse bar (75 cals)
                     Dinner- veg (green beans, brocoli, nage tout, carrots) (100 cals)
                                                                                                215 cals.

Fridays: Breakfast- 1x weetabix w/ skimmed milk (75 cals)
               Lunch- mixed salad OR apple (40 cals)
               Dinner- 1/2 tomato soup (122 cals)
                                                                                              237 cals.
                                      

Saturdays: Breakfast- handful of grapes (40 cals)
                    Lunch- ham salad (60 cals)                
                    Dinner- 1/2 weight watchers curry (160 cals)
                                                                                            260 cals.

Sundays: Breakfast- Apple (45 cals)
                  Lunch- handful of grapes + strawberries (70 cals)
                  Dinner- 1 slice of meat, brocoli, green beans, mange tout, carrots (130 cals)
                                                                                            245 cals.

Everyday: 1x 20 minute run (-200 cals)
                  100 crunches (-50 cals)

Sorry if it looks obsessive but ime a perfectionist! 
I really want to know what you think.
please?! anybody?!

bye lovelies xx

do  you ever sit there, contemplating
wondering how youre life got so fucked up
even when youre young
you start to cry at the top of each lung,
how did this shit start
and why did it choose you to rip apart
into a million pieces
and listen for the pangs
the infamous pangs of hunger
that strangely tell you you're doing well
even though mal-nourished and youre belly starts to swell.

now and again,
i always wonder
and sit a long while to ponder
on why
why me
how did i let myself get to this stage
to get myself feeling like ime caught in a cage
surrounding by all the things you know you should want,
yet you cant 
and you struggle on by
letting time fly
pass your sorry life by
why

now ime stuck in this rut
rut of misfortune when all you can do is sit down, starve, ponder and tut.
will i ever get over this
who knows
only time will tell
but now is now
the light seems far away
but ile get there in, some way.

stay strong.